Leather Bound Page 5

  “What’s this?”

  He picked it up and flipped it over. He opened it to the first page and read it.

  I guess the doctor wants me to keep a diary. He says it can help with the healing process of losing a child. I told him I thought he was batshit, but he brushed me off. Nothing will make the pain I feel inside better, nothing at all. But, I’ll try it his way, he is the guy with the medical degree.

  “Why haven’t I ever seen this?” Tom said flipping through the pages just trying to see how much she’d added. He thumbed through the half full book before sitting it aside and standing up, starting to pace the room.

  “Where the hell would she keep it.”

  He dropped to his knees and looked under the dresser, it wasn’t there. Then he turned his head and saw it sitting in the middle under the bed. He reached and grasped the edge of the book and pulled it toward him.

  Sweet Jesus, that was ridiculous. Tom thought. He lifted himself out of the floor and got to his feet. Once on his feet, he tossed all the clothes back into the drawers and stuffed them inside the chest. Once he got the mess cleaned up, he put the book in his pocket. He took a seat in the living room. He sat William’s book aside and thumbed through more entries in Jen’s book.

  I still wonder why she didn’t tell me they had her doing this? He thought. He read the beginning lines of each entry, most of which weren’t dated, until he found one that made him curious.

  So today was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. The doctor said this could happen. I’d come into days where I didn’t want to be here anymore because I had survivors guilt. However, it’s more than that, I don’t want Tom here anymore either. It’s not just survivor’s guilt, its rage, anger, hatred, I don’t know how many other words I can put into it that would tell the story any better.

  In a lot of ways I hate that man. At the same time, I love him. I know he means well, and I know it tears him up what happened. However, I can’t get over the idea that he might one day snap and try to kill me. I didn't think it would go that far but I’ll be honest I’m never sure. I continue to have a fear of him. A fear that never seems to go away.

  Tom stopped reading. He felt the tears in his eyes work their way onto his cheeks. Tom looked at the closed book in his hand, resisting the urge to throw it across the room. Instead, he took the book and tucked it back into the drawer. He took a seat on the bed and stared at the wall feeling the tears burn his cheek. He wiped them away as he leaned back onto the bed, trying to get his thoughts under control.

  Chapter 17

  Tom woke up and rolled over. He reached out hoping to feel Jennifer there, but she wasn’t. Instead, the bed was cold, and the realization hit him again like a ton of bricks.

  How can you blame her? You caused her to lose a baby. How else do you respond to that, other than fear?

  He didn’t have an answer so instead he pushed it out, trying not to think about it. He walked around the bed and down the hallway to the office. Once he was sitting at the computer he almost turned around to close the door out of habit. Tom let out a sigh and turned back to the computer.

  He turned it on and opened the project that housed the new novel. He’d made progress but not as much as he’d wanted. Frustration was building inside as he stared at the novel that was now open on his computer. The blinking curser at the top of the screen was almost taunting him.

  “What the hell is going on? Why can’t I focus?”

  Because the one woman that gave you some comfort in this crazy life doesn’t feel the same and she hates you. That would mess with anyone's concentration.

  “Shut the fuck up.”

  It’s true.

  He couldn’t take it and drug his arm across the desk knocking papers and books flying. Tom leaned back and yelled. “This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t focus I can’t do anything.”

  So then why waste time trying to write right now?

  “Because I have a deadline, I have to meet and If I don’t write something then it’s a good chance I'll get behind, and I won’t get shit done.”

  Words flow out of you every day.

  “Doesn’t matter. I still have a goal to keep.”

  He’d stared at the blinking cursor for so long he thought his eyes would explode out of his head. Tom leaned back, glancing from the clock, to the computer, and back again. He’d been there almost a half hour and hadn’t written a single word.

  Tom turned and saw the books on the floor of the office he leaned down and picked one up. It was Stephen King’s On Writing.

  This was one of the first books that Jennifer ever got me.

  It was a painful reminder of what had happened. He wanted to forget about it but it wasn’t quite that easy. Instead he sat the book on the desk and stared at the blank sheet in front of him.

  “Writer’s block, I feel like this might be karma being a bitch.” He said out loud as he typed. It took a few minutes but words come. He sank deeper and deeper into his work. He didn’t look up again from the computer for almost six hours.

  Chapter 18

  Tom woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. He’d spent hours pounding away at the keyboard the night before and he’d made some great progress.

  “Today, I’ll start off by reading. It only seems fair.”

  He walked to the couch and sat down, grabbed the book, and put his feet up on the table. He flipped the book open and read again.

  ****

  Life is difficult, due to the choices we make. In fact, today I’ve realized that I’ve made a few decisions that were questionable. I mean, I’ve lived a double life. I’ve killed someone, and that’s the one that’s kind of hard to cope with.

  But damn it was fun.

  Today I woke up staring at the ceiling knowing I killed another human being. I don’t know why it hit me after a week but it did.

  I don’t know why I’m ranting off like this, because you probably don't care. At least that’s my guess. Instead, I’d like to share with you the next big event that happened in this timeline.

  This time I was in a store, I had stopped and picked up food for me to take on the road. While I was checking out, I noticed a woman in the lane next to mine. I looked over and smiled at her. She returned the gesture.

  Once outside in the parking lot she stopped me as I went to climb into the truck.

  “Hello. I couldn’t help but notice the smile you flashed at me.”

  I turned and smiled at her again. “Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t help but recognize your beauty.”

  She blushed. “I appreciate that.”

  “Where are you heading?” I asked.

  “I’m not sure. What about you?”

  “I’m heading up state. From there who knows.”

  She blushed again. “Do you care if I catch a ride?”

  I thought about it, and I almost told her no. I wanted to. Instead, all I could say was “Okay.” I climbed up into the cab. She climbed up on the passenger side. She put her bags in the back. I started the truck and let it warm up for a few minutes.

  Once the truck was warm, we took off. We spent the first few miles in silence. Once we’d gotten out of the city, she spoke up.

  “Do you offer women rides like this often?”

  My mind drifted back to the last ride. I didn’t bring it up, but that’s where my mind sat for a minute.

  “Sometimes I do. It depends on the situation.”

  “How often does that happen?”

  “Not very.”

  “Well, I appreciate it.”

  “That’s okay, it’s my pleasure.”

  Almost 4 hours passed, we shared a lot of things about our life. Including my wife and how we’ve built a life. She seemed to enjoy the conversation which I have to admit was nice. We pulled into a truck stop that evening and got out.

  “Do you have to use the bathroom?”

  “Yeah, I might. I’m not sure where I’m heading but I figured I’ll ride with you until you kick me out.”
/>
  I laugh now remembering how she relaxed around me. She seemed to open so fast. In fact looking back at it, I’m sad that it went how it did. It was exhilarating, they all were. Maybe I should get to that.

  We left the truck stop and instead of hopping back onto the interstate I turned down a small outer road. I wasn’t sure where it led but I found what I was looking for a couple miles down. I pulled into a small circular road and turned around.

  “Is this where we drop off the load?” She looked around. “There’s nothing out here.”

  “No, this isn’t the drop off. There’s something I’d like. Though it may seem, wrong.”

  “Okay?”

  “I’d like to have sex with you.”

  Even in the dimming light I could see she was taken back by the question.

  “Aren’t you married?”

  “Yeah, but it’s not as simple as you think.”

  “Then what is it, because I think something got lost.”

  “We’ve got an open relationship. She realizes that I’m on the road, and that I must fulfill something. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. It means I want to have a good time.”

  I tried to read her face. She didn’t seem like she was as interested in the idea as I was. I pressed on.

  “Look, you’re beautiful. We don’t have to but I think it would be good for the both of us.”

  “I don’t know.”

  I turned back in my seat. “That’s fine.” I started the truck up again. As I went to shift back into gear, I felt her reach down and put her hand between my legs.

  “I suppose it won’t hurt anything.”

  I left it running, and we went into the back where we would have the small bed for our needs. It didn’t take long until we were both naked and intertwined together. I was on top of her thrusting and pushing as hard as I could. I felt it coming and when it finally broke, I felt my entire body shake. It was in that instant that my entire mind went blank.

  I put my hand around her neck and continued to thrust. I pushed and squeezed. Pushed and squeezed. I felt something pop and felt her stop moving. I put my fingers on her neck, checking for a pulse that wasn't there. I got up and put on some clothes. As I got dressed, I tried to figure out what to do with the body. I opened the door on the passenger side and pushed her out onto the ground closing the door again.

  I should feel bad about that but I don’t know how. It's not in my blood to feel bad. That’s just the insanity I live with and I’m okay with it. I kind of hope if you’re still reading this book, then you’re okay with it too.

  ****

  Tom put the book down on the coffee table. He stared ahead trying to wrap his head around the things he’d read. Instead he decided that he would go lock himself in the office. It was time for him to write.

  Chapter 19

  Tom walked through the empty house. Jennifer was gone, he couldn’t sleep, and he was losing ground on his deadline. As he approached the office he realized for the first time, he was really alone. The project he’d been working on was open as the computer came to life. As he tried to get his bearings, he heard footsteps behind him. He spun around and saw nothing there.

  He turned back and started writing again. It was only a short time until he was engulfed in the story. After a few minutes of writing he heard laughing, coming from right behind him. He thought about investigating but he noticed the hallway was empty. Instead, he turned back to the work ahead of him. He had managed to refocus on the work when he heard the laughing again, this time almost in his ear. He almost flipped the chair over jumping to his feet.

  His heart was thundering in his chest. He got it under control and he relaxed a little. There wasn’t anymore laughter. Tom worked tuning out the world around him. The last thing he remembered was looking at the clock around 2:30 that morning as sleep started to catch up to him. He drifted off to sleep right at the desk.

  ****

  Tom blinked and realized that he was standing on a long deserted paved road. He covered his eyes as headlights approached over the hill ahead of him.

  “What the hell?”

  He watched shielding his eyes as the truck got closer. He realized that what he was seeing was a big rig. It was in that moment he knew what was coming and he wasn’t okay with it.

  “Wake up, Wake up damn you.” He said slapping himself in the face.

  It wasn’t working. All he saw were the lights coming down the hill. He turned his face away. The truck passed him and pulled a little ahead of him and stopped.

  He watched almost glued to the scene. The door opened and Tom watched as someone tossed a body out of the door. He knew what came next but couldn’t look away.

  How in the hell do I get out of here?

  He didn’t wake up. Instead, he walked toward the body on the ground. As he got closer, he heard the truck start up again, and he stepped to the side of the road. The lights flared up and flashed into his eyes and he watched as the truck went back down the road the direction it started.

  He took another breath. He wasn’t sure how this would go down but he didn’t want to know. He couldn’t bring himself to look away. He neared the body and thought he’d missed it when he almost tripped over it, that was now hidden in the overgrowth.

  He reached out and touched her skin. It was cold. He wanted to say something but words escaped him. He went to stand up when he realized that she was smiling at him.

  “What in the hell?”

  “Do you not like what you see? He did. He had what he wanted, and then he pitched me to the side. Would you like a go?”

  “Jesus Christ no.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re dead.”

  “I’m only dead if you want me to be.” She laughed. It cut through him like a knife. He’d heard the same laugh earlier in his house, he’d know it anywhere.

  “Are you haunting me?”

  She laughed again. “Aren’t we all?”

  Without warning he watched as her eyes glowed. She laughed again, and he was trying to back away. He tripped over the edge of the ditch and sat there frozen in fear.

  “What did I do?”

  “You survived.”

  Before he could move she was on top of him. The last thing he saw were the ghostly glowing white eyes. He screamed, and the world went dark around him.

  Chapter 20

  Tom sat upright, almost knocking over the laptop. His heart was beating a million miles an hour as the nightmare faded from his memory.

  What in the hell is going on with me? He leaned back in the chair and stared at the computer. He peered down at the bottom and realized that he’d been writing most of the night. Even through his sleep. He leaned forward and read wondering what his sleeping brain had written.

  The world is cold, lost in its own icy void. No one knows of the chilling things I’ve seen, and now, now I find myself on the brink of chaos as I do not know where I am. It’s as if I’m in the looking glass, everything around me so still, so calm, but I can’t do anything. I’m locked inside.

  It’s a sad truth I can’t seem to find my way out of, though that’s okay I understand that and I’ve accepted that, though I don’t know how I ended up here. The last thing I remember I was in heaven, maybe hell, it’s hard to tell. I've been pulled from my world and put here, in this place, which looks a lot like the life I used to have.

  They don’t know what’s going on inside, and I’m okay with that. If I continue to hide the real me, then they’ll continue to not think about it. They’ll not act, they’ll just do. That’s fine with me.

  Tom stared at the short three paragraphs. He re-read each one trying to put it all together and nothing was coming to him.

  “What in the hell does that mean?”

  Could my voice in your head be real?

  “There’s no way.”

  Then explain what this was all about?

  “I would but it makes no damn sense.” He highlighted the entire section and dele
ted it. He got up and ran his hand through his hair. It was sticky. “I need a shower.” He said looking at the computer screen one last time and shaking his head before going off to hoping to clear his head.

  ****

  He got out of the shower and dried off. His mind was relaxing and letting go of the things he’d read. Instead, he put on some clothes and went out back. It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t warm either. He took a seat in one of the patio chairs and stared out into the woods as the sun shone down on him.

  He leaned back and stared into the sky. His mind drifted to Jennifer.

  Do you think she’s coming back?

  “I don’t know.”

  At this point do you care?

  “Of course, I do. I love her. I’d love for us to work out our problems.”

  Do you think she still loves you?

  “I hope so. Though I have to admit it’s kind of up in the air at this point.”

  What about what the writing on the computer?

  He had little to say. Instead he looked on into the woods ahead of him. He watched the trees dance in the wind as the voice in his mind went away for the first time in a while.

  Chapter 21

  The next morning Tom woke up and walked into the office. He sat down and stared at the computer screen for a while. He expected the little voice in his head to pipe up but nothing happened. After a while in the silence, he couldn’t find the words he needed. His saving grace, at least for that moment, was his cell phone ringing.